Thursday, January 8, 2009

First Comes Love, Then Comes Gay Marriage, Then Comes Mindy and Christina Paying Thousands of Dollars for Sperm that Some Man Spanked Into a Cup..

The rumor is true, we're pregnant.

That was a test. How did you react?

It's a conversation that we've been having lately. Mindy wants to have a baby, I mean, she wants a baby to grow in her womb. I'd rather adopt. A teenager, that way the commitment isn't as long. Babies are boring, anyway. Their little heads just bobble around. They're little machines that process food into poop and that's about it. I want a kid I can talk to already. I'd even settle for three or four years old. I want a human, not an alien poop machine. Mindy wants a baby though, so we can form it in our own image or whatever, but no matter how hard parents try the kid grows up to hate them and rebels against something.

"Christina, you don't really seem like the 'parent' type." I don't agree. I think I'd be a kick ass about 20 years. I love kids, but then, I've never had my own. But we can't wait that long. We have to do it relatively soon, especially if Mindy wants a parasite to grow inside her healthily. But she thinks she's a barren wasteland already. I'm not sure why. She always tells people that and then looks at me, "she's our back up plan."

"Christina, you don't really seem like the 'pregnant' type." You're absolutely right. Here are the things I can't do while I'm pregnant: drink, smoke, play rugby. I don't want to destroy my body. No, let me rephrase, I want to destroy my body with sports, not babies.

The truth is, I'd rather adopt. Kids need homes. I'm adopted. It all makes sense. Of course, that's the hardest option since we can't legally adopt as a couple. And in Arkansas they're trying to, once again, stop the gay agenda.

But, by one of us having a baby, it highly increases our legal rights. I mean, obviously, if Mindy had the baby she'd have every right to the baby. I wouldn't. At all. We'd have to pay lawyers lots of money to help me get some rights to the kid.

Adoption is legal papers for both of us and even more money. But, I'd like to be able to tell the kid who where he came from. For me, finding out my biological family was an obsession. I had to know. If we had a frozen pop baby, that kid would never be able to see her face on another human...well, Mindy, but she'd never know the other half. And, I know, some people don't care. But I'd like to give the kid the option to choose.

Of course, the easiest and cheapest way to have a baby is to go to the bar. We probably wouldn't even have to buy our own drinks. Let me set the scene:

In a Bar
(list of characters)
Mindy: Curvy, dark haired lesbian who wears a low cut shirt
Christina: athletic, blonde haired lesbian who can talk about sports
Bob Smith: straight man

Lights come up as Christina and Mindy sit on two bar stools by Bob.

Mindy: (to Bob) Hi. We're lesbians, uh, and we've never had sex with a man.
Christina: Ever.
Mindy: Would you like to...
Bob: (dragging Christina and Mindy out the door) Would I!?

So, that would be easy. Except all the parts later. You know, the sex with a random guy and all that. And then explaining to the kid, "Your mom and I wanted you so much we..."

And again, we'd never be able to tell her her heritage.

Of course, I could ask a guy friend for his sperm, which we've considered. But then, one of our close would friends would be the father of the baby. That seems wrong, too. But maybe not.

Yes, I do want a kid. I said it. I want to have a kid someday.

Mindy and I lay in bed last night discussing this. I said I was too afraid to have a baby because our relationship is so awesome. Why would I want to change the great thing we have? We'd be tired all of the time, have fights about parenting techniques, we'd never have time alone. I think I'm too selfish to make the decision to go through with it. "You'll have a lot more to write about," Mindy said. I guess, but when would I find the time? How would I do all of the things I love?

Mindy's other concern is jealousy. She thinks the baby will become the most important thing in my life and all of my attention will go to it. And our poor cats would suffer, too.

I've never had a sexual encounter where I had to worry about "protection." In fact, it's impossible in my reality that two people can make a baby by having sex. I can't believe it's that easy and cheap, but it happens all of the time. That baby will come out, looking like the two of them and no questions will every be asked about their parenting skills. They won't have to undergo psychological evaluations, have people come to their home to see how clean or baby-friendly it is. They won't even have to pay for rights to that baby.

And those women will have a pretty easy time answering the question, "who's the father?"

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Writer, teacher, and archaeologist. Contributing essayist in the anthology "Crooked Letter I: Coming Out In the South" from NewSouth Books.